Saturday, October 23, 2004


I am trying to recoup from a really dumb decision I made. Nothing traumatic, just something I should have known not to do, and yet, did it anyhow. Grr. I hate making stupid decisions, mostly when they affect others, and particularly those I love, negatively.

Anyway, I am left to deal with my own embarrassment and anger today, which is not fun. I am certainly glad making mistakes weighs heavily upon me. It seems I could have used a taste of this rationality and responsibility in my twenties, but like everything else, maturity takes time to develop.

When I was younger, I was completely "off the hook." I didn't want anyone to expect anything from me; I had that misguided drive to feel free. I, like Terry over at Farbled, rambled around, moved often, dropped out of university, and led a life of parties, travel, drinking, and well, more drinking. If there's a song about "whiskey and bad, bad men" out there, I should have written the lyrics.

From a certain distance, and on particularly stressful days, where the responsibilities are mounting and the money scarce, I might look back on those times with a certain fondness. There was lots going on and nothing ever troubled me for long because I stayed well ahead of the thoughts that nipped at my heels like rabid dogs. Hitting my late twenties, I was catapulted into a decision to "cut the shit" and start focusing on creating some stability.

I'd like to believe that the stability Rick and I have created is static. But nothing in life is static; change occurs and flexibility is required if we want to continue to grow. Sometimes I think I white-knuckle this concept of stability for fear of losing it all. This is the wrong approach. This fear, in fact, will only drive me directly to the doorstep of chaos.

What's more important now is not so much the stability, but the reasons I have to maintain a peaceful life. I have loved ones who mean the world to me, and they expect me to take care of myself. I want to be solid and dependable for them, which means taking care of myself. It's an easy formula, really, and yet for many of us, so hard.

Today, I am thinking about the changes I have experienced and am happy I have had the tenacity to face mistakes, without the excuses, and do my best to grow from them.



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