Sunday, October 10, 2004

Women who love losers...

I spoke with a dear friend of mine today - someone with whom I share a strong kindred connection, yet seldom see.

We met about 12 years ago. She's nearly 12 years my senior - wicked bright and beautiful, an amazingly complex woman with a strong will and a cool 8 year old.

Anyway, life seems to be going quite well for her; she's starting her own business (an organic foods grocery and tea emporium) and has her house almost paid off. Her relationship with her daughter is awesome - she's a wonderful mother who inspires a lot of confidence and curiosity in her child. And despite being a single mom, she works her butt off and makes things work, and well.

Thing is, she chooses the lowest life forms imaginable to couple with, hence her divorce from the father of her cool kid. This seems to be a lifelong trend - her attraction to losers. I just don't get it. I mean, I'm bright enough to know what drives women and men to pick lousy, suck-ass partners. Low self esteem, patterns learned in childhood, inexperience, etc...there's a pathology at work. I have heard from a lot of other women, who have also had to witness their girlfriends battling it out with a plethora of bad choices.

Now she's involved with some wingnut fundamentalist who constantly fights with her on political and social issues, and undermines her efforts at every opportunity.

She openly discusses their differences with me, and says she's not sure why she stays with him. Part of it relates back to her wanting a solid guy who is dependable, someone who provides a decent male role model for her child. However, is this good enough reason to stay with someone who is incompatible? She already has had to limit his rhetoric around her daughter, for fear his "values" will be passed on.

Another issue is where she lives: in the middle of the Bible Belt. Having lived there, I know how tough it is to find a person interesting enough to warrant warming your bed. Most of the people in the area are carbon copy Christians. Still, I think her choices could be improved upon if she raised her standards, which would mean some working on a little thing called self-esteem.

Anyway, this is bugging me immensely. Her argument is very male-negative in that she believes all men are pretty much alike. Given her choices, I can see how she formed that stereotype, but it's a little like self-fulfilling prophesy. Since I have never been in a long term relationship with a woman, I can't say whether or not women are any better in terms of honesty, respect, and loyalty. I know I have not been with one guy who hasn't lied to me about sex and/or other women. You'd think I'd be jaded, but no. I just am ignorantly blissful in believing that women lie, too. Is that bliss? Hah. I am jaded.

So what gives, men and women bloggers? What are your thoughts on why good women/men love losers?

jane

6 Comments:

Anonymous BETH said...

I WISH I KNEW, IM IN A HORRIBLE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. BUT STILL LOVE HIM. HES AWFUL TO ME, YET I STILL LOVE HIM.

UGH.

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what it really boils down to is that they don't love themselves enough not to love losers. they may exude confidence on the outside, but deep inside there is often a painful past. so a good person will love a loser, because they feel like it might be all they are worth.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A real women will eventually get out of a relationship with a man when she sees it is not going to work. I know a woman who has been cheated on and treated so badly, but when he runs out of money or options, he goes back to her and she lets him. Then she is mad at the women he was with!! Come on, women must know that men do not change!! In my opinion, the women who put up with this crap are just as stupid and ignorant as the men who put them through it.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could be she doesn't want to lose her independence! If this woman has it all - career, child, enough money - why should she want to be in a permanent relationship? The fact is, men are WORK! You get involved with a man for any length of time, you find you are doing so much unpaid work that your own job suffers! I am talking about never-ending housework, meal planning, cooking, home administration, you name it. HIS work will be regarded as REAL work. HER work will be treated as a luxury, even if it isn't. And then the guy gets bored with the marriage or relationship, so the woman still has to row her own boat. As far as I am concerned, these guys can all go hire housekeepers to do their housework for them. That's why they want to get married/live together, silly! Unpaid labour for all the drek work they don't want to do themselves!

6:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well there's the age old chestnut: A-grade women forming relationships with the runts of the genetic/social/cutural human litter. I've given this lots of thought and have arrived a few conclusions to theis most perplexing of conundrums.
a. many people, men and women, are essentially love sponges. this means they attach such misguided importance to the idea that they need to be with someone that they literally absorb 'love' (attention) from anything that comes along. they can't bear to be without 'someone' to such an extent that they eventually shack up with 'anyone' or 'everyone'.
b. some women/men are under the impression that people can be fixed. This is demonstrably untrue and can be illustrated endlessley through empirical and anecdotal evidence. that is: you cannot change someone to suit your wants. Humans like any other mammal have evolved repetitive behaviours that suit their desires. we don't change unless external stimulii necessitate it for survival purposes.
c. the mythical force of love is apparently blind. if you take 'love' like any other human emotion and you analyse it, what you get is a complex combination of hormones/chemicals matched to a specific set of receptors in the brain. when your system is awash with this cocktail it is evolution that we overlook otherwise significant issues. Anecdotal evidence for this can be witnessed regularly when parents are accompanying their murderous offspring to court still muttering lies about their cherub's inabiity to perpetrate such heinous acts. in other words, love sponges are hopeless blind individuals addicted to their own hormones who are so frightened by the thought of being alone that they waste valuable heartbeats courting losers and misfits instead of striving for what they truly deserve and truly need.

so what's the solution. well if a frontal attack doesn't work to free your friend from her sorry mess, then manipulation is your fried. or if that nefarious tactic doesn't sit well with you then take your frind on a long holiday to some exotic place so she can see what life is like elsewhere and what other options are available.
scorge

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Could be she doesn't want to lose her independence! If this woman has it all - career, child, enough money - why should she want to be in a permanent relationship? The fact is, men are WORK! You get involved with a man for any length of time, you find you are doing so much unpaid work that your own job suffers! I am talking about never-ending housework, meal planning, cooking, home administration, you name it. HIS work will be regarded as REAL work. HER work will be treated as a luxury, even if it isn't. And then the guy gets bored with the marriage or relationship, so the woman still has to row her own boat. As far as I am concerned, these guys can all go hire housekeepers to do their housework for them. That's why they want to get married/live together, silly! Unpaid labour for all the drek work they don't want to do themselves!"

And this is why you'll be single for the rest of your life. Or you'll end up being a lesbian.

5:37 PM  

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